This post was really difficult for me to share. I sat on it for almost a week. It’s amazing how comfortable we allow ourselves to become within labels. The biggest challenge in this, for me, is leveling up once I lose the label.
A Week of Realizations
On Monday of last week the workout was weighted squats, then we did thrusters (from a squat) and kettle bell high pulls. For some reason reading the workout on the board was a lot for me to digest. But it ended up not being too strenuous, and I worked up a sweat pretty quickly once I got going.
The weather was a nice, and the gym had a community atmosphere. It’s nice to see whole families, and children around, happy and thriving, on a nice day after a good workout.
We did a partner workout on Wednesday. I’m still al little intimidated with partner workouts, cause I never want to fall short for my partner. We did deadlifts, work on the rower, and kettle bell swings.
I’ve discovered that rowing has replaced running as the one movement/exercise I absolutely hate. Don’t tell my trainer I’m saying this, but I’d much rather run than row these days. Ultimately, the workout was good. I worked up a good sweat, and it was nice to be able to rest between movements. He programmed the workout so one person would be resting while the other did the movements. I was happy that I didn’t fall behind and was able to keep pace with my partner.
Losing the Label
My clothes fit loose now, and I’m starting to get complements on my weight loss. I purchased some new workout clothes and was talking with one of my gym-mates about feeling insecure in the outfit I’d just bought. I made the statement, “You know big girls can’t wear everything.”
She replied to me, “No, you’re ok. It looks just fine…and, you’re not a big girl.” I brushed off the comment, finished my workout and didn’t think much about it. Then, the following day when I dropped my children off at daycare the Director made a statement about me not needing to lose anymore weight. Seriously, what are they seeing that I’m not?
As with most things, I took this opportunity to do some self reflection and self evaluation. I can’t really say that I’ve lost a significant amount of weight, because I haven’t weighed myself in a very long time. But my clothes have become too big and I see the change in the mirror.
I’m not a “big girl” anymore, am I?
I mean, the outfit that I was feeling self conscious about wearing was an outfit that I got from the Juniors section. I can actually fit Nike athletic gear off the rack, and I can pass the towel test. You know, when you’re able to wrap a regular sized towel around your whole body!
But, in my mind, I represent for the Big girls! That’s how it’s always been and that’s how it’s gonna be. Right?
I realize that holding on to the “big girl” label is self-sabatoging and something I need to work on. Luckily for me, I have belly fat, inner thigh fat, and some pretty unhealthy eating habits get rid of before I can be fully comfortable losing my “big girl” label.